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I'm hunger. I'm whiskey. I'm CO2. Where I gnaw, I grow myself. Where I swallow, I slowly eradicate my part. Where I inhale, I brunette my subsist. Through a dark cloud of concealed virtue, a bore of ash drips onto the ever exposed knee. The knee... the knee I blemish with a craving for hurt. Destruction. Unhappiness. Personal Unsightliness.

Another Cloud. Another Ash. Another Word. Another Distraction. A nonpublic display of the inner walls cracking, settling, and splitting apart like a sixty year-old building. A dusty crack ripping through the reason bumping against a split in a torn want for substance. The naked reality.

I look down, look up, look left, and look around. There is mania here worth saving... no doubt. Judy sings The Trolly Song in the milieu and the catalog in my dusty brain expands. The masses to defeat are great. Eleven, Eight, Seven and Six. The yearly moments pounding a gaining jingle furious against destruction.

A beam thumps on my lips and my right foot begins to sting with the beat of my future: fast, changing, different, and abnormally pleasant. My enemy's body will cut through each destructive force and bury it with me. Acceptance will lye in the past. Truth will lie in the future. Drive will lie in the present. Show me my enemy.

I will not eat from a mountain of victuals and burst. I will not drink from a river of whiskey and drown. I will not surround myself in a swirl of gray and stifle.

Tomorrow is the closing moment.

Another BK Favorite - the Whopperettes. Old... but brilliant. I mean... really? Who comes up with a sexy dancing tomato, pickle, onion, bun, burger patty, and cheese? I mean... really.

I was watching Knocked Up tonight and just rediscovered Paul Rudd. Good Lord. What a hottie... look at those eyes.

Remember him in Clueless? Yeah... me too.

You read that shit right. If you haven't already heard, Mikey was "relieved" from his position as head coach for the Denver Broncos, effectively immediately. C'mon now... he wasn't relieved... he was F-I-R-E-D.

WTF!? The same man that helped lead our donkey's to the Superbowl... TWICE in a row? But what for?

Some say it's well deserved. Some say it's not. Either way, it was complete surprise to me. After 21 years (I had to google that... everyone knows I don't keep up with sports), the team's owner let him go. I'm sure it was over their defeat last Sunday, which was the talk-o-the-town for an entire day.

Sorry for the bad news Shanahan. Hang in their... I'm sure you'll be fine though. Especially with your $21 Million payout!

So... the Beyonce Video remake craze is a little worn and torn, but check out The Color Purple doing their thang. I feel a little dance competition comin' on between them and Shane.

Has anyone else noticed this trend? I hate to post this because it just goes to show how much I eat out... but all the fast food chains have gone to this... I don't know... sit down restaurant menu. All their shit is neatly perched atop glass and porcelain plates and all the soda's are displayed in actual glasses, rather than paper cups. It's just odd to me. Arby's, McDonald's, Chick-Fil-A... they're all jumping on the bandwagon.

Maybe next time I go through a drive-through, I'll ask for my soda in a glass and sammich on a plate.

So as most of you know and have read, come 2009 I am going to make a lot of changes in my lifestyle. These changes include some pretty nasty habits I've come to love over the past few years (some 10+ years), so they are going to be hard to break. I'm going to be completely honest and tell you that I am scared as hell.

I've been thinking and I've decided to change these habits one or two at a time... to keep myself sane and my life a little more simple. I've decided the best way for me to achieve what I want to, I need to set goals for the things I want to change:

Week 1
Finger Nails: My nails are not so pretty looking and chomping down on them is a gross habit anyway. I've stopped doing it before and I'm not quite sure what gets me back in the habit... usually it's going to the movies and seeing some thriller or something. This will be the easiest habit for me to quit, so it's the first one to go.

Spending: My bank account is suffering. I need to be more resourceful with my hard earned money. Thus, I have decided to become a little more frugal with my money and spending it on more material things. Now, I know you're all like "Wes... you can't be frugal and spend money on material things, STUPID." Well, I'm not talking about expensive clothes, new shoes, or a Wii. I'm talking about spending my money on material things that are useful to my existence... healthy food, health products, and a gym membership. I'm also considering reducing my bills by lowering my cell phone plan, going to one movie at a time (rather than three) on my NetFlix account, and not eating out as much. I'm going to stop going out so much too, and when I do I'll be paying for myself - which is what I was trying to say in my original post, but apparently came across as something completely different.

Week 2 & 3
Smoking: I've been smoking for 8 years now... and I'm pretty much done with it. I do enjoy it sometimes, especially after eating and when I'm out drinking, but all other times it just is a filler for dead time. This habit is something I want to be gone soon into my new lifestyle, as it's an object that only hinders my ability to save money and get healthy.

Eating Habits: By the end of the second week, I want my eating habits to have made a complete 180, or at least close to that. I'll be following Body for Life. Check my earlier post on the foods I'll be eating and my portion sizes.

Fitness Goals: By the end of the third week, I want to have my fitness goals written down and well in sight. Weight lost, muscle gained, and cardio goals.

Week 4
Gym: I want to have a gym membership secured at a place that is comfortable and close. Right now, I'm not sure where close is going to be. My plans are to move out of downtown when my lease is up (which is March). Right now, Littleton sounds nice - as does Westminster/Northglenn. I may be forced to go back to 24-Hour fitness... which I really don't want to do. I am, however, willing to bet the facilities on the outer edge of Denver are a lot cleaner.

So... while my goals are pretty simple right now, they'll become more complex I'm sure. This change is without a doubt needed... and I'm very much looking forward to feeling better mentally and physically.

If anyone has any input please post it here. I need all the help I can get!

According to Pope Benedict, he says that saving humanity from homosexuals and transsexuals is as important as protecting the environment.

RIIIIGHT... sounds like some genocide to me! The fact of the matter is that even if all the homos of the world exploded into giant clouds of glitter at this very moment, we would just be re-born. It's inevitable. So get over yourself Benedict... mmmmkay?

What the French, Toast? One of my favorite Orbits commercials ever...

... is such a hard-on shrinker. Watch him "defend" marriage with the following crap-shot arguments.

She's not leaving until Monday. Yay!

We're all happy because she's staying. But we're also sad because now she has to wait until Monday to get snogged.

She also just called me a pumpkin whistle. And that's fucking hilarious.

Since FedEx has announced it won't be a part of the Superbowl's Commercial extravaganza, I decided to post one of my favorites today. FedEx said it made the decision based on economic woes. I hate Bush.

Gee... you're going to have to get in line early for this one. Sarah Palin's 2009 calendar is out... and the cover features a picture of her with a shot gun swung over her shoulder. So classy.

Oh... and according the the website:

This high quality, 13 month calendar features:

  • Over 50 photographs of Gov Sarah Palin and her family
  • Never before seen photos
  • 13 pages of high quality gloss paper
  • Closed dimensions: 9"x12"
  • Pre-drilled hole for hanging
  • Cellophane wrapped
  • Produced and printed in the USA
Really? Because REALLY. Did Sarah write this herself?

A "pre-drilled hole for hanging" is something to mention as a feature? EVERY calendar has a pre-drilled hole for hanging. EVERY FUCKING ONE.

Oh... and this 13-month calendar features... look at that... 13 pages of "high quality gloss paper". Amazing... right? I mean, I've never seen a calendar with glossy paper before. I've also never seen a 13-month calendar with... 13 pages. It's also the same size as every standard calendar out there.

And it comes wrapped in Cellophane. Whoop-de-fuckin-do.

To me, it looks like the ONLY things worth mentioning about this retarded calendar is that it features pictures of Sarah and her family and some never-before-seen photos.

... and we're all really really sad. =(

But... we're also happy she can finally go home and get some.

Bink Bink Bink Squish Squish Splurt Weee!

Phew... what a crazy week it's been. Sorry for not updating my blog AT ALL over the holidays. I left my computer at home and couldn't find a free second to update it from my iPoddy.

I would tell everyone the details about my Christmas here, but it would seriously be the longest post ever. And I mean ever in the history of blogs. And the Internet. SO - I'll just let everyone know that my Christmas was awesome and it was everything I was hoping it would be... and more. It was nice to see my friends and family and spend lots of time with them. Everyone was in good spirits and a wonderful mood.

I'll also let everyone know that I'm glad it's over. Glad. Glad. Glad. Dealing with people during the holidays is too much. Everyone is cowing around trying to get the last HDTV for a couple hundred bucks, trampling wal-mart employees, freaking out about money, asking for gift receipts and bitching about return policies. It's like herding cats. Really.

But on a brighter note, we have another Christmas behind us. Now it's time to celebrate the new year, get booze, get drunk, and ring in 2009 right! I'm looking forward to what this year has to bring for me - like a better body, better habits, a better job, and better overall quality of life. As many of you know, that's my focus for 2009 - improving my life by drinking less, putting the ciggy habit to rest, working out, eating better, and saving money.

We'll see how it goes and in the words of George McFly: "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!"

On January 24th, Lifetime will be airing Prayers for Bobby, the true story of one child who killed himself because of his mother's religious intolerance for his homosexuality.

I watched the trailer while I was at work today, and literally had tears running down my face half way through (I know... I'm a total ninny). I cannot wait for this movie to come out. I can sort of relate to this movie, not on a religious level because my parents never brought that into it, but on a level of family acceptance. The "we still love you" and "it's just a phase" bits remind me of the countless discussions my family and I had when I came out to them.

I'm definitely not on the edge of committing suicide, but it was tough trying to get my mother and father to understand this was absolutely the way I was born, and things were not going to change. Check out the trailer:

Seriously. Can any more companies use this phrase? I mean... really?

Give the gift of coffee. Give the gift of movies. Give the gift of health. Give the gift of fashion. Give the gift of food. Give the gift of HD. Give the gift of socks. Give the gift of iPod.

STFU with the "Give the gift of" bullshit! It's old, overdone, over advertised, and ran into the ground. Give it up! Nobody wants to give the gift of anything anymore... GAAAAHHHHD!

Just another reason to love the Red Sox:

Sprint has this new ad campaign out that I'm obsessed with. It's a futuristic, fashionable, cool as hell, skinny, 20's-something Santa (with some slight sex appeal). Check it out:

Really? 16 new ones, MTV? Because Really.

As if MTV didn't already hit the slimy, rock bottom of reality shows, the company announced today that they're going to keep heading in the same direction, trying to capture the 18 to 34 year-old market. The new shows will feature people proving themselves and their accomplishments, unlike the shitty reality shows they currently have or have had. They're doing this because the company has seen a massive decline in viewers. Big surprise? Uhm... NO.

I'm not sure if any of you watch MTV (I haven't tuned in for years), but shows like Room Raiders, Dismissed, Life of Ryan, Daddy's Girls, My Sweet Sixteen, G's to Gents, Pimp my Ride, etc. all seem to be full of awful actors and actresses playing up the camera for a shitty dollar from MTV. The station has seriously ran the "Reality Show" gig into the ground... creating specific situations and then filming people's scripted reactions.

The Real World, which started the reality show craze, is now the furthest thing from it... and has been for a while. When The Real World came to Denver, I had no interest in it what so ever. Has anyone noticed that since the airing of London, The Real World morphed into nothing but beautiful people, with gorgeous bodies, and NOT ONE INTERESTING OR UNIQUE goal, job, or personality? It's a JAH-HOKE.

MTV should go back to their roots, stick to playing music videos, and airing some unique shows with live performances (MTV Unplugged, anyone!?), artist interviews, and other shit like that. After all, it's music television and 80% of their programming is no where near related to music.

Get A clue MTV! Then get a new president.

...try it in Japan. Check out these train workers literally smashing and smooshing the riders into the trains... crazy! Someone could get raped in these trains and not even know it.

The AdCouncil did a great PSA for blood donation stating:

"Saving the world isn't easy. Saving a life is".

Jenn, Jesse and I went to see our fabulous friends Travis and Doug (Sierra and Savanna Sunset) perform on Saturday night at Bj's Carousel off Broadway.

Travis (Sierra Sunset) does some great drag and he's also the ONLY person we trust to cut our hair (no one can do a High & Tight like Trav-dog!). Doug (Savanna Sunset) is his partner and Saturday night was his debut performance.

All I can say is GOD DAMN these boys are hot shit! The show was awesome and every performance was off the hook. All procedes from the event went to CAP (Colorado AIDS Project), so it supported an excellent cause as well!

Here's some pictures from the performances... and yes... they're all boys!

Shopping List:
Ice Scraper

So Jenn, Jesse and I went to see Olson play last night at a bar in Aurora. The band he plays in is called Dropshot and they EFFING ROCK!! You should have heard them! Dan was belting out every note on the scale and pounding away on the bass guitar, the lead singer and guitarist were rockin' the house, and the drummer was sending vibrations through everyone's beer glass.

They did a lot of covers including Green Day, Jack Black, and an awesome hard rock version of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

The songs they played were awesome and all the band members were cool as hell!

The beer glasses they served at this bar were HUGE... so you know I was hAAppy. Check out the size of that glass in comparison to the pitcher of tasty Coors Light.

After rockin' out to Dropshot, we headed over the Barker Lounge off Broadway and Ceder. We played some tunes in the jukebox and Jenn ran into her 800 year old friend she met at the Compound from the week before.

So, I was pretty hung over today. Getting up this morning was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while... and I'm not complaining... just stating a fact. I know it's my own fault so it's all good.

As many of you know, I'm not one for popping pills every time I have a headache, pain, ache, cough, flu, or other general problem. Very rarely do I take medications like aspirin, cough syrup, acetaminophen, or any other over-the-counter drug. I don't like the side-effects and I think most medicines "trick" your body into thinking it's better, and in return, the body doesn't heal itself as fast. For example, I think a fever reducer hinders your bodies efforts to fight off a disease. When your body senses a foreign substance inside of it, it turns up the heat to try and destroy it. So taking a fever reducer seems a little counter productive to me. (I could be totally full of bullshit, but until it's proven, I'm stickin' to my story).

Now... for infections and viruses... I'll take medications because there is just no way my body can fight those off alone.

Tums... that's a different story too. I pop those fuckers like they're candy.

Anyway, onto the subject of this post. The drive to work this morning was equally as miserable. The bright sun, the cold air, and the traffic - I was in hell. Seriously. If I was to go to hell... that is what I would be doing: Driving around Denver in the early morning, hung over, in the chilly cold air, and bright sunshine... forever.

I was in such a bad mood when I got to the office, that I sat in my car for a few minutes just gazing out the windshield... trying not think about my pounding headache. Not before long, I realized that "Oh my god. OH MY GOD... this is my last day of work before I'm off for six days... in a row." I jumped out of my car (like that was going to make the end of the day come any faster), grabbed my laptop case and walked into the office.

When I got in, I immediately planted myself in front of the coffee machine, feverishly working to get a strong, fresh brew going. The water was in, the filter was in, and the coffee pot was strategically placed under the brewer. I grabbed the giant coffee can from the cabinet, opened it up, and stared into a giant red abyss with oh... about... THREE coffee grounds at the bottom. I stood there frozen for about 4 seconds... and then I started freaking out. I was looking everywhere for another can of coffee. Freezer, refrigerator, cabinets... copy machine. Nothing. I reluctantly accepted my fate and started walking back towards the front of the office when I saw a Safeway bag sitting on the floor with these two giant, red, oval shaped objects inside. Could it be? I tore into the bag like a little spoiled, snot faced 5-year old on Christmas morning. "Thank God! Ahhhha ha aha hah!" I shouted.

I ran to the back, slowly peeled off the black lid, wrapped my thumb and forefinger around the "freshness seal" tab, and positioned my face right in front of the can. I slowly pulled back on the tab until it gave way and made "Pfffffp Poof!" sound... sending a surge of fresh, caffeinated air right towards my snout. I was in heaven. Absolute heaven. I got my brew going and headed back towards the front where I pulled my laptop out.

I did some stuff for work while my laptop was starting up and preparing itself for a day of blogging, research, and mild abuse. I was about to visit YouTube when I heard the spurt and spatter of the coffee pot in the back. I jumped out of my chair, grabbed a coffee cup, poured some wonderful french vanilla creamer into it, and topped that baby off with a hot fresh brew of steamy goodness. I took a sip, and it was instantaneous - my entire body started feeling better.

I sat back down at my computer so happy, that I didn't even mind the "Internet Explorer has stopped working" message that had popped up. I just clicked the ok button and opened FireFox.

I was half way through my cup of coffee when I ran across this:

Now... I'm not that big of a Joan Rivers fan... and I didn't even think she was that funny until now. This video had me laughing so hard that my hangover simply disappeared. Seriously. No joke. It may sound stupid and simple... but it's true. This woman is 75 years old, still has that spunk, and I've never heard her talking like this. The last funny thing I heard her say was "My face has seen more knives than a Bennihanna" in a Geico commercial.

People have told me before that I'm crazy and full of shit for thinking the way I do about over-the-counter drugs. Well, here's your proof bitches! I think what helped with this was that I wasn't really focused on doing specific things to help me feel better... I was just doing what I wanted and drinking something I felt I needed. I guess because those two things were so satisfying that my body shifted focus from feeling bad to feeling better.

How awesome! An all-natural aspirin... which I think anyone can appreciate.

Bah! Bah hahahahahah!

... so we all know about and love Jenn's healthy new lifestyle, right? We're all supporting her in her efforts to change and become the absolute hottest bitch that's ever walked the face of this plant, right? Well, you know what they say - when you spend a lot of time with someone, they tend to rub off on you a bit. With that in mind, I would like to present you with my plan for getting healthy in 2009:

Back in early November, I decided to get back on Atkins (knowing it was a evil diet that deprived this precious Irish and Italian boy of his pasta and potatoes) because I wanted to lose weight. It was the fastest, most effective way for me to lose weight because it took no effort whatsoever (i mean... really. What's so hard about eggs, cheese, meat, and Splenda?), didn't require a gym membership, and had worked in the past. I was on it for 3 weeks, and fell off the effing thing because of some really good smelling mash potatoes at a work event... which, if you please, were smothered in gravy and onions. This had to be the sixth or seventh time I hadn't been able to do the diet like I had once before: 9 months straight and 50 pounds lighter. I decided to accept the fact that I was a carb whore and ordered 17 large french fries from Wendy's later that night (not really... but you get the idea).

As I sat on my couch in a potato-induced coma, I started researching diets... and really didn't like any of them. Weight watchers has that stupid point system. Slim For Life costs $1500 a year (can't I just get liposuction for that?). Atkins is a cholesterol nightmare. Diet pills are for wussies. Nutrisystem is... well... it's just weird getting your food delivered to you in the mail. Anyway, I decided that after my research, I was going to start Body for Life again - the same thing Jesse did when he lost all of his weight. I was on Body for Life for 3 weeks over the summer (does anyone else see a trend?) and here's what my experience was:

When I started Body for Life it was hard... and I wanted to cry and smash my face into something hard... and sharp. The information in the book was so overwhelming, I didn't know where to start. For the first two weeks, I was really having second thoughts because I was constantly referring back to the book wondering if I was doing everything right. It took me 45 minutes to cook a 20-minute meal. But, by the third week, I instinctively knew what to eat, how big to make my portions, and was getting full on 1/2 the amount I would of ate before starting the program.

There was this HUGE Fitness Journal that came with the book to record what weights, exercises, and reps I was doing at the gym. When I walked out of the locker room with this sucker, I felt like I was going to a meeting, not to work out. And while I was filling this journal out on the weight benches, everyone was looking at me like some sort of carnival freak (yet ANOTHER reason I don't go to 24-Hour Staphness). I hated sitting there inscribing my progress in a bright red "Body for Life" journal that was emblazoned with all these cheesy motivational quotes from the author and real-life stories (AND pictures) of people who had completed the 12-week program. I was like "this shit sucks... everyone is staring and I even know some of the people here". So, I recruited my next door neighbor (an ex Ranger and Marine) to work out with me - to show me some real military weight and fitness training. He kicked my ass... but I was enjoying it and after only three weeks, I could see and feel a difference.

I also quit smoking for a week (it was being around my friends at the bar one night when I jumped back on the filthy tobacco wagon). However, I can't tell you how much of a difference it made. For that week, I had a TON of energy, I was waking up feeling better more and more each day, and running was no longer something I felt I should get paid for doing. I actually couldn't wait to get to the gym or run around the park - it was a very different feeling for me.

Q: So Wes... WTF bro? Why'd you quit? Everything was going great.
A: I got a staph infection from 24-Hour Filthy>

Yeah... it was pretty effing gross. And yeah... I was pretty effing pissed. And yeah... I cancelled my membership and vowed never to set foot in that incubus of viral plague ever again. I couldn't find another gym I liked, so I stopped working out. The medication they had me on messed with my appetite, so I wasn't eating. And when I was, it sure as hell wasn't within the program guidelines. So I just let myself go. I even remember looking in the fridge and being like "what the hell am I going to do with all this food now?" Needless to say, most of it ended up in the trash. LAME!

Q: Wes, where are you going with this story? I mean... really. I've been reading forever and while all of it is relevant, only half of it is interesting.
A: Sorry. Below is a snapshot of the diet and my plan for not failing... again

Body for Life is similar to Jenn's new lifestyle. The author gives a list of what he calls "authorized foods". These foods are all natural and are to be eaten in their natural state (i.e. uncooked veggies). Fresh is the everyday word with him. No processed foods, no refined or fake sugars, and low sodium (if you want sugar, grab a strawberry damnit!). Wheat everything. No white bread, pastas, rice or anything (so basically - good, energy boosting carbs).

You eat six, portioned meals every day (a portion is the size of your clinched fist) - each meal should consist of:
one protein (grilled chicken)
one carbohydrate (whole wheat pasta with herbs and maybe some low-fat salad dressing)
one serving of vegetables in at LEAST two of the six meals (carrots)
and a small amount of unsaturated oil in ONLY one of the six meals (low-fat salad dressing)

And get this: as long as you're exercising, you should allow yourself one "free" day a week... a day to reward yourself with Taco Bell or Cinnabon for all the hard work you did during the week. Awesome, right!?

So how am I not going to fail? First and foremost, I need to focus on ditching the cigarettes. No matter which way you look at it, they aren't going to help me in getting healthier... and they're going to hinder my ability to do good work at the gym. So I'm kicking the habit...

Second, I'm going to PLAN out my meals (which should be interesting.. I can't even plan to plan), eat right, and stop eating out so much, especially fast food... even on a free day.

Third and final, I am going to find a gym where I'm safe from infestation, am comfortable working out, and I am going to come up with my own workout routine. Body for Life has one... but it's a little funny. And man... the pictures of those people who completed the 12-step program have weird proportions. I mean... really weird.

So there you have it! A new me is on the way... I think I am going to take a picture of my progress daily, but don't worry - you won't be subjected to that here (until I start looking hot - then maybe).

Check it out! I splurged yesterday and bought myself this fancy little thing... you may have heard of it... an iPod?

I had total buyers remorse after I walked out of the store... and it was so bad that I didn't open it until hours after I got it. Usually when I buy things like this, I rip into them before I'm even in the car. After I opened it and started playing around, I realized what all the craze is about. Oh Em Eff Gee... the iPod Touch is the coolest little gadget I've ever owned. I'm still thinking about taking it back though (I have 30 days). I need to see how useful it's going to be, because unlike the iPhone... I can only access the Internet when I'm within range of a WiFi network. I have Internet on my cell phone but it's so slow and hard to use, it's basically useless.

I spent all night last night downloading games, productivity tools, and some other really cool apps. I've got my music loaded up and ready to go... and the music user interface on the iPod is so much better than my Verizon Dare.

There's three apps I'm really excited about:

Quit: A program you run when you've decided to quit smoking. You just input how many packs you buy in a day, week, month, etc., the cost of the pack and click start. It tells you how many days you've been smoke-free and how much money you've saved. Pretty sweet, eh?

Personal Trainer: This app is Suh-Weet-Ah! The personal trainer gives you random exercises to do everyday that work specific muscle groups. All you do is answer some questions about your workout routine, your goals, when you want to achieve them, and the personal trainer puts together a program for you. And... you can choose between a male and female personal trainer (wink). The app isn't free, but will be totally worth it once I start working out.

iPod Genius: This shit is off the hook. You can have your iPod put together a playlist for you, NOT based on genres, but on the beat and instruments used in the song. Your iPod actually listens to 30 seconds of each song, recognizes the instruments and BPM and puts your songs in a playlist with other songs that flow well together. Ha!

One of my reasons for getting the iPod is so that I could take it to the gym with me. A lot of people said that I should get the Nano or shuffle for that because they're light. The truth is, I've been walking around with my Touch in my suit jacket all day, and haven't even really noticed it. It's so light and thin, I think it will be perfect for working out.

Not to bring down the holiday spirit, yo...

... but really Westboro Baptist Church? With the whole Fag Xmas signs? Because really. I'm going to go ahead and assume this is your "Christmas Card to America" for 2008.

Your off-key, rhythmically incorrect, and downright lame rendition of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town is quite creepy. And on top of that, I can't believe you're teaching the children of your community that communicating to people like this is constructive... or meaningful. I'm sure that everyone who watched this video (except for yourselves) had the same thought progression of myself:

0:00 - What the eff is this video about?
0:03 - These people are weird.
0:17 - I can't understand the words. These awful singers need to enunciate. Oh look... subtitles.
0:57 - These people are freaks.
1:15 - Poor kids...
1:24 - Is this video real or a hoax? I don't see anyone's mouths moving to the words.
1:29 - Oh... nope. It's real.
1:39 - Wow... I can't believe people like this exist. And that ending sucked.
1:41 - What the hell did that little boys hat say at the end... yo?

This has to be the SEXIEST I've ever seen Sean William Scott looking. This is from his new movie Balls Out, where he can also be seen running around in a jock strap. Hmm....

Musicovery. You need to check this out. Now. It's an online program that selects songs that fit within four different mood parameters: Energetic, Positive, Calm, and Dark. You simply click your mouse anywhere on the "MoodPad" and a flowchart of music appears to the right with music that fits within your mood preferences.

It's awesome and after just clicking through it a few times, I've discovered and rediscovered a few songs and artists that I really like.

Check it out!

This is Jennifer and I attempting to take a picture on my computer and failing miserably... and capturing it all on video:

This is what we were going for:

... but Las Vegas is another.

Man... what's happening to the weather on our planet this year? This is cah-razy! Seeing people walking around Las Vegas in winter boots and jackets surrounded by palm trees weighed down by snow is like seeing Jon Leyba drink Coors Light... and like it.

There's no doubt about it... our world has jumped on the green gravy train and part of me wonders if all this crazy weather is a result of our world producing less pollution. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe we're starting to make a difference and sweet mother earth is reacting in a way that she doesn't know how - and so she's dumping snow in the desert and freezing the hell outta the peeps in Colorado. What are your thoughts?

Before the still beautiful Sharon Stone hit the D-list, she did a PSA for the AdCouncil that was awesome:

My friend Anne from high school forwarded me an article that was a little disturbing. Apparently, about 20 students attending Cheyenne Mountain High School District 12 (in Colorado Springs), Mexican nationals, and previous Cheyenne students have been involved in the use and trafficking a type of heroin called Black Tar Heroin. While it is not a new drug, it is becoming more and more popular in Colorado Springs and Denver. The CSPD has launched, what the news is calling, a massive investigation on the school and it's students.

It upsets me to hear about this happening at the school I was once attending. Has anyone else heard about something about this happening at their old high school? District 12 has always been known for its outstanding graduation rate, teachers, and student base. Even though we were known as the "rich-kid school", I always took pride in attending Cheyenne. Jenn hated us because our show choir kicked the shit out of hers... and everyone else in the state (love you Dawn!).

It will be interesting to see what happens. I hope for the reputation of the school and those attending the investigators won't find anything.

Alright, so I know that my blog posts may not be the most grammatically correct and may contain some punctuation errors... but this article made it past the editor and into print.
Click on the image to view it full size.

A man in Texas is now in jail after after a 9-year old girl, as part of a school assignment, wrote a letter to Santa asking for the molestation to stop. The child's teacher read the letter and notified a school counselor, who in turn notified police.

This is so awful. I feel terrible for this little girl... and police suspect there are more girls who may have been molested, since this guy works in a school.

So, I was perusing through my Kaboodle list earlier and started thinking about some of the most awful gifts I've ever received throughout my Christmas-celebrating years. We've all seen them - normal, everyday objects that are jingle-fied, Santa morphed, decorated with some insulting holiday motif, and then rendered completely useless. It's the gift you look at and say "Oh, Sharon... you shouldn't have."

I read about this thingy you put inside of your toilet paper roll that plays a Christmas carol each and every time it's used... announcing to EVERYONE in your home that you just got done taking a dump. Who the hell would want this!? And on top of that... what happens when you get the shits from sympathetically ingesting your Aunt Marleen's cheesy cheesy beef potatoes? As if being sick wouldn't be awful enough... but then to have this stupid thing announce that, yes, you were in the bathroom yet again? What a stupid gift.

Anyway... the worst gift I EVER received was actually from an ex-"best" friend back in high school during my senior year. I brought her a simple gift that year - a little necklace I had found that had a frog charm hanging from it (she loved frogs). She said she was still getting her gifts wrapped and she'd bring my present later. It was the last day before winter break, so I knew she was full of it and hadn't gotten me jack. It was kind of fun to watch her make up the story under pressure though.

On our first day back at school, she met me at my locker and handed me my gift. I was a little confused because it was WRAPPED IN THE SAME GIFT BAG that I gave her. I was prepared to ask why she was giving me the bag back, but she beat me to the bunch and said "Open it!". I pulled out the obviously used and then re-used red and green tissue and fumbled around in the bottom until I unearthed this crappy, not-even-dollar-store-worthy ceramic statue of a wolf howling at the moon. Was this some sort of anticipatory sign that I was going to like skinny, hairy men with animalistic traits? Or was it a sign that my friend sucked? Either way, the gift was stupid. I would have rather her got me zip-shit than offer up such a sorry excuse for a gift.

I looked at the meaningless effigy and said "Oh-ooo-ohh... wow. Thanks. This is really cool." I turned it around and marveled at the awful paint job and chipped tail.

"I thought you would like it for your desk at home or something!" she says. I didn't even have a desk. I never had a desk. And she knew that because I told her I always did my homework at the coffee shop down on Tejon St.

I sort of tossed the wolf back into the bag, threw it in the top shelf of my locker, and gave her a quick hug before telling her I had to get to class.

The ugly paperweight stayed at the top of my locker until May, when I cleared out my stuff for graduation. All the seniors were in the hall tossing every last bit of paper, taped magazine cut-out, pencil, pen, and other crap from the year onto the floor (high school tradition - the principal was cool enough to let us "trash" the school before we left for good). I reached up and grabbed the bag, had actually FORGOTTEN what was in it, and when I took the wolf out, my buddy Colin said "what the fuck is that thing!?"

"Some lame Christmas gift." I said as I tossed it back in the bag. At that point, me and my ex-"best" friend had stopped talking after she joined the Abercrombie & Fitch wearing assholes at my school and decided to become a total bitch. So... I decided to have one last laugh before I would never see her again. I took the wolf back out of the bag, walked up to her locker and smashed the fuckin' thing right on the floor... leaving every last broken piece right in front of it.

I never got to see her reaction to it, but in my mind I imagined her upset about being "dooped" and then hiding her feelings in front of her new friends. That... or she could have rolled her eyes and not given two shits. Either way, it felt good and was appropriate with the them of the day:

Out with the old, in with the new.

What was the worst Christmas gift you've ever received?

Check out RuPaul's Christmas Card this year...

Honda has three versions of this commercial, this one's my favorite. Everything in this just seems to fit together.

Click here if you want to see Scott Caan naked. In case you don't know who he is, he's the muscular, hunky man from Varsity Blues, Into the Blue, and Oceans 11, 12 & 13. And let me say... damn... he's packin.

We've all been hearing about the X-Men Origins movie... now here's your preview! I can't wait to see this:


So, I know this is my second post in three days about Burger King, but I couldn't ignore this shit... Burger King has come out with a whopper scented body spray. Yes. Whopper scented.

Or as Burger King Puts it: "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

... you know, I've never really had the urge to hump my whopper. Equally, I've never been turned on by the smell of cow meat charring over a slew of flames. I'm assuming this is the same for most people (if not, please comment - we'd all love to hear your story... freak). Anyway, my curiosity is getting the best of me and I want to know what it smells like, but I can't justify spending the money it. The website kept me busy for a while though - you should see the King layin' down by the fire covering his bits with a little blanket... he's got some nice legs.

This Target commercial is kinda old, but still one of my favorites. We all know what target TV ads contain:

Featured products, fun music, hot women, hot men, and pretty cool concepts. Why do I like this one so much? There's many reasons, and just to name a few:

1 - The Marketing Campaign is based on the beatles' song "Hello. Goodbye." Target uses this song to tell their consumers to say hello to goodBUYS. Brilliant!

2 - The song they use is a remake by Sophia Shorai, and she won't be releasing it on an album as of yet... most likely the royality payments for this would be astronomical. The original is eight zillion times better, but I like this version as well.

3 - Who doesn't want to see some hot chick in underwear with steam swirling all around her?

4 - Who doesn't want to see a bunch of hot men in WHITE boxers jumping into a lake?

What's so great about getting lunch at McDonald's? Uhm... the HUGE straw that comes with your soda... the one that allows you to literally CHUG A LUG your Diet Coke.

What's so great about getting lunch at McDonald's on Hampden and Monaco? Uhm... they throw out the gay haters!

This is so HIGHlarious:

So, I went to McDonald's for lunch today because I was craving a Big & Tasty hamburger. I hadn't had one in FOREVER, so I was really excited about it. Now, as I was walking into the restaurant, my ears perked up and my stride had slowed to a creeping walk as my gaydar went into total overhaul. My eyes fixed on this little skinny 16 or 17 year old twirlin' behind the counter taking orders from people, being totally helpful, totally friendly, and making conversation with people as if he were redecorating their living room... and being completely swishy about it. Fine, cool, whatever - it was completely obvious he wasn't being overtly gay on purpose, it was just who he was. He couldn't help it. And props to him for not trying to hide it. Let's call him... Nancy.

Now, my turn to order came around and he did everything he was supposed to do - he upsold me to a large size, offered ketchup, brought my food out piping hot, asked if everything in the order looked ok, told me to enjoy my meal, and thanked me for coming in... he even gave me extra ketchup (his gaydar must have been going off as well). Anyway, I walked away with my food, happy and looking forward to my giant soda.

A few bites into my meal, this unmistakable redneck walks in the door wearing a flannel shirt, overalls covered in... something, and a blue Chevy hat that looks like it had been put through a blender, glued back together with oil, and then driven over a few hundred times. He had red curly hair wingin' out from every side. Following him is this little... oh I don't know... 6 or 7 year old wearing a batman backpack. I sort of assumed his father took him out of school for a quality family lunch or something. Anyway, he steps up front, and our little blond ball of swish pirouettes up to the counter and so excitedly says "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's!" He then looks at the boy and says "Wow! I really like your backpack!"

The father chimes in "Don't talk to him like that... just... don't even talk to him".

Confused, Nancy asks what he can get for them and the father rattles off the order to our friendly McDonald's associate, asking for extra mayo on the side for his fries and hands Nancy his money for the food. Meanwhile, the manager who is standing guard at the fry station is watching this all go down... and was really focusing in on our redneck subject.

Nancy delivers this guys food made correctly, piping hot, and with extra mayo.

"Uh Oh!" Nancy says as he looks down at the boy "I forgot your dipping sauce for your happy meal. What kind would you like? I have Honey, Bar-B-Que, Ranch...". This time he wasn't as gay, but was still... well... gay.

"Man, I told you not to talk to him. I don't want my son turning into some fairy or somethin'".

Poor Nancy man... he stepped back and just looked at this guy speechless. I was speechless. His son was speechless. Who wouldn't be speechless!?

The manager, that's who. He stepped up to the counter, grabbed this redneck's tray of food, dumped it in the trash, and said "I don't serve people who treat my customers and especially my employees with disrespect. If you have a problem with that, here's my bosses number and you can talk to him, but you're done here. You may leave." He then refunded his money, slammed it on the counter, and went back to guarding his fry station. HAHA!

The stupid redneck pointed his chubby index finger at the manager and replied "You bet I'll be calling your boss! You'll be lucky to have a job after I get done with you!" He grabbed his son and walked out with his cock tucked WAAAAY back behind his legs.

Nancy looked to the left, threw his right arm up in the air, snapped his fingers, and started stocking the ketchup.

Go Nancy!

Ev'rybahdy... I had such a blasty blast this weekend!

Here's some pics from my time at the bar with Jenn and Jesse:

Mad props to Kenneth Cole for featuring a trans model in their latest ad:

HA! Pretty good reflexes for an idiot:

Hey Andrew... I heard you learned some new moves over in Iraq.

So... exactly... what moves would those be? *wink*

Alright, so I've decided that I really want to get into photography.

Jenn left me with some books for people who are just getting started in the field, and while I know some stuff (thanks to my little muffin butt, Jennifer), I have a shitload more to learn. I took some photos with my phone... I was just effing around when I got home last night. What does everyone think? Jenn, what do you think about the composition, angle, etc.? Do they show some potential, or are they just stupid?

Remember - these were taken with a camera phone. Thanks everyone! Oh... and smoking is bad!

Hoosier Daddy? I am bitches.

Guess what!? I'm going to start a new daily post called AdWatch.

"Wait a minute. I don't get it Wes... what's AdWatch? Is this where you post a bunch of idiotic commercials and ads on your blog and make people sift through them to find all the interesting articles? Screw that..."

You're on the right track, but on the wrong train hunny. You see, these ads ARE going to be interesting... and funny... and a little annoying at times. But still fun nonetheless. Trust me... I won't be posting shit like "Hey! Look at this really neat Gap commercial with a bunch of people dancing around in a line with cowboy hats on to a Madonna song!"No no. That's not an interesting ad. This is an interesting ad:

Look at that shine, look at that shine.

OK... so it only takes us all about 2 seconds to realize that Hugh Jackman looks like a god in a tuxedo, right? Personally, I like him as a wolf, but I don't think it'd be appropriate for the Oscars. Anyway... just the fact that he is hosting this year makes the Oscars worth watching, and it will be a nice change from the norm (Billy Crystal was and is getting a little old). The Oscars need a little more class, and a little less class clown I think. Who better to bring that than Hugh? I mean... really. C'mon.

... I'm going to take a rusty razor blade to my wrists. Is it really only the 11th of December?

Seriously - I'm stuck in an office today auditing and they have KOSI 101 playing throughout the ENTIRE clubhouse. You all know what I'm talking about... non-fucking-stop Christmas music all day. I can't escape it and at this point, I think that scooping out my eardrums may be the only viable option.


Some Idiot in Russia has decided to trademark emoticons - you know, the little doo dads that look like this: ;-) ;) :-) =).

The Russian will not be tracking individual users who use the emoticons over text messages, instant messages and emails, but rather businesses who use it in advertising without his permission.

What a moron! Does he really think he's going to make money off this? It won't be hard at all for companies to eliminate emoticons from their advertising. Not even Yahoo!, AOL, or anyone else will have to pay because their emoticons look nothing like the ones above.

Hey! Maybe if I trademark the entire Alphabet, I could sue any company that didn't pay me thousands of dollars to use the letters. Then once I make my millions, I'll trademark the comma and period too.

Do you notice anything different about those jeans and that tshirt?

Yeah, me too...

Shane Mercado, the skinny little bitch who I blogged about not only a few weeks ago, has finally met his maker. A few weeks ago Shane, wearing nothing but a t-shirt that barely covered his boobies and leotard bottoms a la Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, became an overnight dancing sensation on YouTube, performed on the Bonnie Hunt daytime show, and was featured on many media sites.
After the video aired, every homo across the nation downloaded the song to their phone, coined the "put a ring on it" phrase, made it their quote on Facebook, and named their favorite drink after it. Then, after Beyonce got wind of it, she called Shane up on a skinny phone and invited him to the premier of her film, Cadillac, and Shane walked the red carpet with the diva herself.

Way to go Shane! You rock my face off!

Now go eat a bakery.

Hell yeah! California adopted a global warming plan, that's been in the works since 2006, today that requires plants, utilities, refineries, and large factories to transform their operations to reduce green house gases. This plan is viewed as the nations most sweeping global warming plan, holding individuals and businesses accountable for the heat-trapping chemicals they produce.

Experts predict that while this new law will cost the state over $25 Billion, the savings will greatly outweigh the costs by about $40 billion. Under the new law, individuals and businesses will be required to meet 31 new rules affecting every part of life, from what kind of gasoline people put in their cars to what kind of air conditioners businesses can install.

I say let's continue to call California it's own country because of all it's wacko laws, because while this one is the only one that makes perfect sense, all the others are just off the effing wall. Then, let's all write Obama and have him make this state law... a national law. Weee!

The $14 Billion bailout plan for the auto industry collapsed today as United Auto Workers refused to take a massive cut in pay - a cut that would put them in line with Japanese auto workers. The bailout plan called for pay cuts to begin next year, but the UAW wasn't willing take it until 2011.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this Auto Bailout shindig. I know that if it fails, and our auto makers hit the shit pot, our economy will be toast. However, our automakers failed in so many areas, I feel like we can't trust them to do the right thing with another $14 billion dollars of our money. They are so far behind European automakers already and haven't really pioneered any design concepts or other useful innovations, it's retarded. At least GM owned up to it.

If this thing goes belly up (or down, depending on how you look at it) how does everyone think this is going to effect Wall Street and our economy? I think WS is going to be a mad house... and then the world may explode. What does everything think about this bailout? Good? Bad? Ugly? Pretty? Comment!

Sad news today - the iconic pinup Betty Paige died at a Los Angeles hospital where she was on life support after suffering a major heart attack on December 2nd.

Betty was 85 years old.

Rest in peace doll - your beauty will never be forgotten.